I ditched the beast this week, gone forever is my scrolling through other people's lives, gone are the days when I seek acceptance in 'likes' and 'comments' and gone are the long hours choosing the best picture so people will find me aesthetically pleasing. I may have just hit home with some people, others may just think I am a nut job with a baggage full of issues and yes the latter is more likely the case but nether the less this is what it has come to.
For a very long time I sort (I still do to some extent) acceptance and agreement. It is very hard for me to deal with confrontation and hate. I seek approval from peers and new people I meet, I literally fall to pieces if I am disagreed with or the butt of jokes. I am not sure where this all stems from, sometimes I desire a phd in psychology so I can put a label on myself and wear it with (or without) pride. I don't quite believe in problems stemming from 'something.' Who has the perfect family these days? What is the perfect family these days?
Mother and Father who stay together, love each other, have a steady income, happy lives can still have messed up kids.
I just believe that we are who we are and the people we meet, the path we take, the experiences we go through slowly but surely moulds who we become. And boy, did my mould get messed up along the way.
The catalyst and the moment when I made the greatest decision in my life, ok I really cannot compare this to the end of slavery or having a baby or travelling around the world but I will still file it in the same category since this is my blog, to rid myself of Facebook was when someone I respect seemed to not see me anymore. I assume those around will honestly know me because of how I write and what I post on Facebook but this isn't true, not many people can know you through a virtual wall. I can probably be honest and say that I now think only Colin knows me, tragic but true only one person really knows how I think and what I feel. This 'person' I mentioned (who was just the straw) said one line and it really struck me hard. I realised that the better a person you try to be the more your mistakes are noticed by others.
I suppose this is also why people have a deep rooted hate for you... for stepping out of the lines of conformity, for being different, for trying to show them that what they do is actually wrong.
I made a conscious decision recently that I would be a better human being I would buy things with thought behind it. I would spend money on things that didn't harm anyone or anything in their production...I make mistakes, I get lazy and when I do I am jumped upon, I am strung up as an example of how those that live the 'normal' way are actually the better people and I am actually no Saint.
Even as I write this it makes no sense. I apologise.
The truth is; I am not a Saint, I don't live perfectly, I don't buy everything with thought, I work long hours and I grab a pack of pesticide ridden apples. I don't know about everything that I shouldn't buy and everything I should.
But, alas, I try and I think this should neither be rewarded nor attacked.
Facebook was a huge part of my time in Korea but now I am ready to really do better things with my time. I was addicted and now I feel I am addiction free.
Plus Colin showed me a video of a woman giving birth standing up in her kitchen and the comment underneath was;
'She is hairy.'
I think I have made the right decision.
For a very long time I sort (I still do to some extent) acceptance and agreement. It is very hard for me to deal with confrontation and hate. I seek approval from peers and new people I meet, I literally fall to pieces if I am disagreed with or the butt of jokes. I am not sure where this all stems from, sometimes I desire a phd in psychology so I can put a label on myself and wear it with (or without) pride. I don't quite believe in problems stemming from 'something.' Who has the perfect family these days? What is the perfect family these days?
Mother and Father who stay together, love each other, have a steady income, happy lives can still have messed up kids.
I just believe that we are who we are and the people we meet, the path we take, the experiences we go through slowly but surely moulds who we become. And boy, did my mould get messed up along the way.
The catalyst and the moment when I made the greatest decision in my life, ok I really cannot compare this to the end of slavery or having a baby or travelling around the world but I will still file it in the same category since this is my blog, to rid myself of Facebook was when someone I respect seemed to not see me anymore. I assume those around will honestly know me because of how I write and what I post on Facebook but this isn't true, not many people can know you through a virtual wall. I can probably be honest and say that I now think only Colin knows me, tragic but true only one person really knows how I think and what I feel. This 'person' I mentioned (who was just the straw) said one line and it really struck me hard. I realised that the better a person you try to be the more your mistakes are noticed by others.
I suppose this is also why people have a deep rooted hate for you... for stepping out of the lines of conformity, for being different, for trying to show them that what they do is actually wrong.
I made a conscious decision recently that I would be a better human being I would buy things with thought behind it. I would spend money on things that didn't harm anyone or anything in their production...I make mistakes, I get lazy and when I do I am jumped upon, I am strung up as an example of how those that live the 'normal' way are actually the better people and I am actually no Saint.
Even as I write this it makes no sense. I apologise.
The truth is; I am not a Saint, I don't live perfectly, I don't buy everything with thought, I work long hours and I grab a pack of pesticide ridden apples. I don't know about everything that I shouldn't buy and everything I should.
But, alas, I try and I think this should neither be rewarded nor attacked.
Facebook was a huge part of my time in Korea but now I am ready to really do better things with my time. I was addicted and now I feel I am addiction free.
Plus Colin showed me a video of a woman giving birth standing up in her kitchen and the comment underneath was;
'She is hairy.'
I think I have made the right decision.
Ruth, I hear what you are saying and think you are a wonderful woman who is sensitive, funny and honest. Quit beating yourself up! The fact is, no one really cares who you are or what you do except a handful of people who love you, and if they really love you, they laugh off your quirks! Paul thinks I do some really strange things but he loves me because of them as he knows they make me happy. I think it comes down to the fact that except for minor things you can change if you are aware of them and don't like them in yourself, you are who you are. At some point in your life (in your 40's usually) you will find out you will finally accept who you are. No one likes everything about themselves, but it takes too much energy away from getting the important things done in life without worrying about whether you are liked, approved of or appreciated. Everyone has insecurities whether they show them or not. Everyone is struggling much of the time as our world doesn't make it easy for us. The freedom from conforming to everyone's picture of what you should be fades with age, and I'm sure you've heard older women who say that they've never felt better when they finally "let go of expectations". I do think that if you are different because you can't follow the crowd, life is much harder to navigate which forces you to build a strong defense to survive. But those who are different are more interesting and fun because diversity is what is most intriguing I think. For example, that's why I like living in a neighborhood that has every kind of person and every color of houses, dumps and nice houses because it's interesting. I would never want to live in a "Stepford Wives" neighborhood where all the houses are the same color and have the identical floor plans! But unfortunately, most people are ordinary and often dull and that's what they want. Think of yourself as "un-ordinary" instead of "different" as it's more of a positive affirmation I think. I have never fit in the box and I remember questioning as a child why I resisted conforming as it is much harder to be different. But believe me, it becomes so unimportant as you mature! But it is up to you to find your bliss, not even Colin can do that for you. It helps to have someone there who supports you and loves you, but it is an individual journey no one can do for you and it can be lonely, but it makes you stronger in the end. Find people who enjoy what you do, or find a way to feel really happy all by yourself by finding things you are passionate about. My passions have changed over the course of my life, and that is fine, it actually shows that you aren't stagnant. Changing is good! Right now my passion is learning vegan recipes, getting stronger in my exercise class and learning French (although I'll likely never be able to speak it fluently, but the challenge is what it's all about, right?)Throw in a little political action and reading everything I can on healthy living and the day is full! These things don't interest everyone so I do it alone. Maybe meditation daily will help you focus on being in the present moment, because really that is all we have! Forgive yourself daily for what you think you don't accept about yourself, and start over every day with good intentions. If it helps, Paul and I loved you the minute we met you! :) Be who you want to be and remember being a role model is much more effective than preaching as no one listens! I hope this little bit of affirmation helps and that you sort out what is important in your life and forget the rest!
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