Saturday 30 March 2013

Un- Facebook

I ditched the beast this week, gone forever is my scrolling through other people's lives, gone are the days when I seek acceptance in 'likes' and 'comments' and gone are the long hours choosing the best picture so people will find me aesthetically pleasing. I may have just hit home with some people, others may just think I am a nut job with a baggage full of issues and yes the latter is more likely the case but nether the less this is what it has come to.

For a very long time I sort (I still do to some extent) acceptance and agreement. It is very hard for me to deal with confrontation and hate. I seek approval from peers and new people I meet, I literally fall to pieces if I am disagreed with or the butt of jokes. I am not sure where this all stems from, sometimes I desire a phd in psychology so I can put a label on myself and wear it with (or without) pride. I don't quite believe in problems stemming from 'something.' Who has the perfect family these days? What is the perfect family these days?
Mother and Father who stay together, love each other, have a steady income, happy lives can still have messed up kids.
I just believe that we are who we are and the people we meet, the path we take, the experiences we go through slowly but surely moulds who we become.  And boy, did my mould get messed up along the way.

The catalyst and the moment when I made the greatest decision in my life, ok I really cannot compare this to the end of slavery or having a baby or travelling around the world but I will still file it in the same category since this is my blog, to rid myself of Facebook was when someone I respect seemed to not see me anymore. I assume those around will honestly know me because of how I write and what I post on Facebook but this isn't true, not many people can know you through a virtual wall. I can probably be honest and say that I now think only Colin knows me, tragic but true only one person really knows how I think and what I feel. This 'person' I mentioned (who was just the straw) said one line and it really struck me hard. I realised that the better a person you try to be the more your mistakes are noticed by others.
 I suppose this is also why people have a deep rooted hate for you... for stepping out of the lines of conformity, for being different, for trying to show them that what they do is actually wrong.
I made a conscious decision recently that I would be a better human being I would buy things with thought behind it. I would spend money on things that didn't harm anyone or anything in their production...I make mistakes, I get lazy and when I do I am jumped upon, I am strung up as an example of how those that live the 'normal' way are actually the better people and I am actually no Saint.

Even as I write this it makes no sense. I apologise.

The truth is; I am not a Saint, I don't live perfectly, I don't buy everything with thought, I work long hours and I grab a pack of pesticide ridden apples. I don't know about everything that I shouldn't buy and everything I should.
But, alas, I try and I think this should neither be rewarded nor attacked.

Facebook was a huge part of my time in Korea but now I am ready to really do better things with my time. I was addicted and now I feel I am addiction free.
Plus Colin showed me a video of a woman giving birth standing up in her kitchen and the comment underneath was;
'She is hairy.'
I think I have made the right decision.